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Post by thundermew on Nov 29, 2006 15:47:51 GMT -5
Part 1 Two Pichu were walking along the road, when they saw something wierd... they didn't know what it was... and they were all confused, so they decided to go inside. The door locked on them and they... were... they were trapped, and they didn't know how to get out, but they didn't worry, they decided to wait until they were finished exploring. When they looked down on their feet, they noticed they were on a moving floor, but if they sticked together, they would be fine, and so they moved as close to each other as possible, but this didn't help (you'll see later in the story). There nicknames were Peeka and Peeko and they were basically twin Pichu. The moving floor led them into a super fast tunnel... in fact... it went so fast, that they couldn't return back, but it felt great, it was like being on a roller coaster, but they got worried, they had been on it for an hour and still wasn't off, and they were all lonely and scared. "What will we do" said Peeka, with a frightened face, but before Peeko could even answer, a sudden blur appeared, and Peeka was sucked up into some weird dimension. Peeko tried to get back, but nothing could stop the tunnels extreme speed, and then... Peeko as well... was sucked into the dimension too, but landed at the other side of the world and they were separated... be prepared for the next part of this exciting adventure, because its gonna be fun, I'm sure you'll enjoy the next part of this adventure. TO BE CONTINUED... What are you're thoughts so far |
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Post by clario on Nov 29, 2006 18:12:45 GMT -5
Well, your fan-fic has a nice idea and Pichu is my favorite Pokémon! But this is like the Pichu Bros. and you should space out your stuff and make sentences seperate lines.
Overall, 6/10, work on it and it'll start to shine.
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Post by thundermew on Nov 30, 2006 6:42:50 GMT -5
Pichu Bros was what inspired me to write that astory, the next part shoulkd be more different from Pichu Bros! Here is is
The world they entered was very, VERY strange, they were both trapped in different dungeons, but nowhere did they find each other, or anyone else... not even anything bad. The world was created by the legendary Pokémon Mewtwo, who was once under control over its trainer, but is now taking the control.
"Pichu!" said Mewtwo, "I never asked for any Pichu!" ger di of it.
But thats the best we could find, said Mewtwo's trainer. "GET RID OFIT" said Mewtwo. And then Mewtwo arranged for two Zapdos to go and destory Pichu. They knew Pichu had no chance, as Pichu is the baby form of Pikachu, and Zapdos was a legendary Pokémon, and so, they had no chance at all. Mewtwo was very grumpy, and was very, VERY hard to satisfy, and so he wouldn't be satisfied until they were fully destroyed.
Peeka sshouted "Hello!" and his voice echoed, and so he repeatted it again, but nowhere could anybody be found. He was all lonely and very sad, and was only looking for a way out. It was also freezing cold and Peeka's HP was gradually going down, until he was shivering cold, and his electricity was starting to decrease. And suddenly... out of nowhere... when he wasn't even thinking, he heard a Zapdos cry. Peeka was quite smark already and knew a Zapdos cry when he heard it, and knew that this was not going to be good. He hard it again,and then again even louder, and even louder, and even louder, until he finally looked over and so a gigantic Zapdos. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Peeka sudden, as he screamed his way while running round and a round and away from Zapdos. He goyt far away, but suddenly it went reverse, and Zapdos was catching up with Peeka. And then Peeka went into a blur and entered a very strange dungeon.
Peeko was very brave, and wasn't afraid, though this did not mean he was actually good at fighting off, it only meant he wasn't scared. Peeko was also easily defeated by the other Zapdos, but a different outcome happened, and Peeko managed to escape from the blur. He managed to get to the outdoors, and then he tried to find Peeka to make sure that he was OK. He knew that Peeka was easily frightened, and cared a lot for him, and knew that he probably wasn't okay.
Peeka was lost in the dungeon, and couldn't find his way, and certainly wasn't OK at all. Be ready for the next part, which will explain what happened (you'll cry at the end of the next part).
What are your comments so far?
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Post by clario on Dec 8, 2006 18:22:24 GMT -5
This is getting better!
7/10!
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Post by kimmimaro on Dec 8, 2006 18:46:39 GMT -5
Sorry I'm of topic but *cough*What about my fan-fic?*cough.
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Post by clario on Dec 8, 2006 19:05:33 GMT -5
>.>
Uh..
You have an 8 so far.
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