Team Lavatank's Legendary Search

[thundermew]

This is a story about Team Lavatank's search for the legendary Pokémon
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Okay, Team Lavatank's leader, Blaze the Torchic, was sleeping in his rescue team base, until his partner, Muddy came and woke him up with Water Gun
Blaze: HEY! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR
Muddy: Umm... wouldn't it be cool if we could control the power of lightening, fire and ice
Blaze: YOU WOKE ME UP TO TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell me more in the morning

Muddy: Wait! I have more to say

But Blaze was already asleep

The next morning...

Blaze: Ah! Im feeling refreshed, so, Muddy, what was that thing you were saying
Muddy: I was going to say, I was thinking of getting Zapdos, Moltres and Articuno to join our team, then if they were on our team, we could make good use of them to control the power of lightening, fire and ice, and not just them, we can recruit all the legendaries, so what do you think, we could become legendary
Blaze: Well... if were using them, how would we be the ones being legendary
Muddy: We could be in a legend with them
Blaze: You know, that actually makes sense

Blaze rushed over to Mt. Thunder for Zapdos, without even thinking about anything else

Muddy: WAIT FOR ME!
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And so thats chapter 1, what do you think of it so far?

[pickachu7779430o39]

well it is kind of god moding but its a good story

[thundermew]

Thank you, but what exactly did you mean when you said it was god modding?
Heres chapter 2
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Blaze: Okay, lets go get Zapdos to join our team
Muddy: Okay
They entered the dungeon
Blaze: OH NO! We forgot to bring our team members
Muddy: Never mind, lets go up alone
-On floor 5
Blaze: Nothing very interesting's happened up until now
Muddy: Yeah I know, just going and battling
Blaze: Oh well, lets keep going
Suddenly, Blaze and Muddy were ambushed by a bunch of Pokémon
Blaze: Thts a couincidence, just as we started saying nothing interestings happened
Muddy: Oh well, lets keep going, i'll use my Hydro Pump to blast all of these foes
Blaze: I'll blast far away foes with my Flamethrower
But then all the foes attacked Blaze and Muddy until they were defeated

The next morning

Muddy: We failed This can't be possible, were Team Lavatank

The other Team members came along

: Hey! I heard you were after Zapdos
: But why didn't you tell us
I can't believe it, we used to do a lot of rescues together
Muddy: Its Blaze's fault, he just rushed over to Mt. Thunder without telling you all
Blaze: Why must you embarass me in front of my team members
Muddy: It your own fault
Blaze: Yeah, but it was a mistake
: Well, okay, we'll let you off, so, wheres Zapdos
: We wasn't at the legendary island
: Where is he???
Muddy: Umm... we didn't get him, we failed
: WELL MAYBE THATS BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BRING US! BOOO!
: WERE GOING TO CONTINUE TO HATE YOU UNTIL YOU GET ZAPDOS
Muddy: ...lets GO!
: YOU BETTER!
So they went back to Mt. Thunder, but this time, they saw no ambushes

- On Floor 10-
Blaze: Im tired, I can't go on
Muddy: Yeah......me.....*falls asleep*

Blaze and Muddy fell asleep

30 minutes later

Blaze: Where are we
Kangaskan: You were asleep, im so glad your awake, I took you here, take a rest all you want
Muddy: I can't believe this, Team Lavatank doesn't usually lose
Blaze: I know, but lets keep going

-On Peak Floor 3

Blaze: Huh theres no one here
Muddy: ...
: So, your back
Muddy: Blaze, did you say something
Blaze: No
Muddy: I didn't think so
Zapdos: Your back, so, how much stronger have you become
Zapdos: As promise, it is time to crush you
Zapdos: Show me your power

Blaze and Muddy defeated Zapdos
Blaze: Its tired
Muddy: Lets leave it here to die
Blaze: WHAT!
Muddy: I was only joking, lets take it back to the team base

- At the team base-

Muddy: Ah! Its waking
Blaze: Really?
Muddy: Yeah
Zapdos: Oh! Did you maybe rescue me
Blaze: Yeah!
Zapdos: Thank you, but I don't know what to do, I will join your team
Muddy: Whoa Blaze, he just asked without us even asking

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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So thats the end of chapter 2, comments?

[misterguyofshinobi]

if I was to score you on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the best I'd give you about a 3

[thundermew]

Thanks for the rate, do you have anything to say about whats good and whats bad about the story?
---
Chapter 3 coming up

[misterguyofshinobi]

thundermew said:

-On Peak Floor 3

Blaze: Huh theres no one here
Muddy: ...
: So, your back
Muddy: Blaze, did you say something
Blaze: No
Muddy: I didn't think so
Zapdos: Your back, so, how much stronger have you become
Zapdos: As promise, it is time to crush you
Zapdos: Show me your power

Blaze and Muddy defeated Zapdos
Blaze: Its tired
Muddy: Lets leave it here to die
Blaze: WHAT!
Muddy: I was only joking, lets take it back to the team base

- At the team base-

Muddy: Ah! Its waking
Blaze: Really?
Muddy: Yeah
Zapdos: Oh! Did you maybe rescue me
Blaze: Yeah!
Zapdos: Thank you, but I don't know what to do, I will join your team
Muddy: Whoa Blaze, he just asked without us even asking

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
---
So thats the end of chapter 2, comments?

well you could of added a bit more detail in the battle between you and Zapdos

and when Zapdos joined your team it seemed a little simple and don't ask how

but your story is still interesting

[kimmimaro]

First one - 4/10 -It's all jumbled together and very short.

Sencond one - 5/10 - Better but stop using all those smiles, work on grammar, and work on the order of things.

For both - U - meaning Unecceptable, work on improving your stories.